I Heart Anesthesia

1. Or rather, the efficiency that it brings with it. I had an appointment at 9 this morning, my wisdom tooth popped out in 30 seconds, and my day hasn't even started.

2. I have resolved to read up as much as I can on current affairs, with an eye on regional and local affairs. The $60 I spent at a news stand in the CBD on Sunday should suffice.

3. There seems to me a correlation between Officership in NS and being a Government Scholar. Never set in stone, but a useful trait to have, whichever comes first.

4. This post seems necessary on the last day of March. April Tomorrow, and as always, it will probably be the month of most reflection, and hence most posts here.

Ready And Waiting

Tomorrow I will be removing the first of 4 wisdom teeth, and so I don't envision myself talking as much as I usually do. Hence I shall say all that I want to this evening on this blog. No but seriously. I realize that whenever I refrain from blogging, my next eventual and inevitable post will be rather lengthy. I guess this adds to the variety on my blog, long diatribes interspersed amongst short recounts and enigmatic shout-outs (for argument's sake here's one more - each attempt to speak to you is an attempt at figuring you out; you're as hard to get as these posts are). I've never written for an express audience; I'm always pleasantly surprised when someone tells me they've read one post or another. The most recent instance I recall was on one of the days on course when Han An called me in the middle of they telling me about the emotional impact of my J4/2 Letter, which he promptly highlighted to another of our schoolmates whom he works in proximity to.

I have now been able to identify and articulate what it is that keeps bringing my thoughts back to the same subject matter over the past week. The first was speaking to Andrew online, when I was heartened to learn that my sentiments are shared. The second has to do with the person I am - I always think of myself in relation to those around me, those of my ilk and those I know. These 22 months were meant to revolve around my life, not the other way around. To a large extent, it is because I'm not on the OCS route that it affords me the time and flexibility to do that. Yet, as I admitted to Daniel via text this evening, I cannot help but think of what it would have meant for me to go at it all the way. And though in my mind it will be the only thing I would ever think to be worth it (again, a perspective hugely impacted by those around me), you will never catch me expressing anything less than admiration for my friends in sispec, whom I congratulate with every bit of gusto as I did my oct peers. It was an unspoken intention, only recently expressed into words (by recent I mean after this whole NS thingum started). The conditions I have aren't a simple and final obstacle. Like everything else, I see them merely as another option, which I have chosen to exercise, and with little doubt (this from hindsight in the near future, not now exactly) for the best. I know that I was not in the best frame of mind going into it during the first batch for a few reasons, like having fallen sick, so soon after the release of results, etc. I think, right now, I'd be in a far more optimum position if I should so choose to put myself back into it with the second batch. Yet for numerous other reasons I do not think it's best. There would be things I'd do differently, but the situation, I realize, would not be the same. I experienced the best parts during my stay in Ladang largely to do with a very good coinciding of factors, from Coy to Mates to Superiors. Any other go at it will hence be compared to that experience (though knowing me, I'd discover it to be the best for that time in my life, as I do with everything; where I am now is a good example). And if I were to leave it up to the powers that be, the timing of my status change after the second intake means I would no longer want any other Enhanced batch thereafter, and thus forgoing that direction is all but a given, and where I am at now would become all the more lucid, not saying I haven't been seriously considering my options.

The short of it all is that, until a decision is made either by matter of active influence or chronology, I always think prospectively. And till then, from then and especially then, my perspective on my position remains ever organic, fluid because of the person of community I am and would not ever want to be anything but.

No! Sleep! Till Brooklyn!

Weekends should begin just as this one did. I met Cheryl, Elliot and Patrick at Chomp Chomp at 10 last night, followed by a yoghurt stop at Frolick, and the 3 of us who met up on Tuesday picked Cielo up on the way to Elliot's place for an entire night/morning of Guitar Hero World Tour, Twister and whatever else was showing on TV in those wee hours. And getting to speak to my OCS friends who have access to phone chargers and the internet was good too, probably as much for them as it was for me. This is the first time we really crashed at a classmate's place; literally occupy the couch until 7 in the morning. Only Joash was entirely ready to sleep over, arriving in nothing more than his wifebeater and pillow in hand (which I stole for the night, sorry Joash!).

Ad-Hoc

I met Paul at lunch and joined him at school where debate training was going on. Sam made it a Team C dinner at Crystal Jade, Holland Village. I stocked up on Provence bread for tomorrow in the office.

Regular Broadcasting

Elliot, Cielo and I staged what eventually turned out to be a rather successful ambush of Cheryl at her house during the first hours since she got back from her European tour; we spent a full 3 hours chatting over pizza in her living room, leaving only has midnight and the following day's work beckoned. Refreshing; we should do this kind of thing more often, good for the spirit.

and because I really need to get this off my chest and a trilogy of posts makes for good reading,

it's been 24 hours, and you're miles away, so i'm getting over it just like I did back then,

when it was simpler,

when there was more time,

when there were fewer inhibitions.

when we were young

I gave up an afternoon's retreat for you, and that's all you reciprocate with?

Again, pardon the long post title.

I realise that I spend 20 hours of each day awake. That's partly to do with the time it takes me to get to and from work, and of course work itself. But it's also got to do with the fact that I like having time to myself, both way into the night and in the silent hours of the morning. Hence the only sleep I get is between 1230 and 0430, which by IB standards is pretty cushy. It's a habit I've further developed after school during Ladang, though even then I had more sleep than I do now. Perhaps being away meant having less to do, which in light of sleep hours is a good thing, but in light of possibly everything else, isn't so much.

Did our Familiarity Make it Harder to Connect with a Human Touch?

Pardon the long post title.

While introducing ourselves to our own private guest speaker from Sri Lanka during cell group this morning, I mentioned that I'm glad we have this regularity more or less every Sunday; it truly is grounding and meaningful. This year has so far been one heck of a ride, and one thing I'm glad to have introduced into my life is not only Sunday gatherings but having gotten to know many of them better. We've been attending for years and years, though it's simply because we never gave ourselves any reason to let our circles cross that we never really got the chance to get to know one another. So to my two OCS cell members, Daniel and Lionel, all the best.

After service I met Elendrus to pass him an additional phone battery to tide him over the 3-weekend confinement period. We met Ronald, Jillian and Jim at Plaza Singapura where they were having lunch, and I left so as not to impose on their arranged gathering with one other of our schoolmates. So to ET and Jim, classmates from 2 different periods in AC, all the best.

Over the last 4 days it's been my pleasure to have met up with so many people I came to know from my schools and in Ladang. From the class on Thursday and Friday night, Team C on Friday afternoon, the ex-classmates on Saturday afternoon and the ex-ex-classmates on Saturday evening, school has truly merely been a place of contact; the friendships formed last long after the last lesson. From dinner on Tuesday with J4/2, bumping into Kelvin 2 days ago, chatting with Jarrod way past midnight and stumbling upon J4/4 at their gathering this afternoon, it was nice seeing everyone again, even if not in the same place at the same planned event as we would have wanted. So, to round off my list, to Chun Wui, Stuart, Jarrod, Kelvin, and everyone I know in my batch and is going on to OCS like the best of our ilk had always intended, all the best.

Looking forward, I don't think I will ever stop finding myself amazed at the way experiences unfold. I've found that having your spirit thrown deep into the darkest of doubts makes the eventual hope that much more worth embracing. A few dates are of note, which are, in my opinion, watersheds of the highest significance. My first wisdom tooth extraction on the 31st (next Tuesday), which is one of 4 I'm told, my Board Interview on the 8th (Wednesday), and awaiting replies from my Durham appeal and SPH scholarship enquiries, and finally my TTSH specialist assessment at their respiratory clinic, where hopefully I will be made aware of the directions I can decide on, down all the way, join the april 24th batch, or even, in the slightest possibility and probably not what I want since the two batches we make up are over, going at it all the way. And there's the prospect of lessons, jobs and any other meaningful ways of spending my time out of work I plan to fully experience.

One period gives way to another, sometimes subtly, other times not so much. 01/09 will be but a memory from now on, as has every other experience. March 23rd marks a beginning for most, though not so much for me. Yet it signals new developments that should carry me well into the year proper, as I embrace all that 2009 will offer up in experience, beginning with no better month than April, a month I have always seen as my very own.

Drop Everything

At 1230 this afternoon, I was awoken by a call from Elendrus asking me to make good on my plans to get a class gathering together, all within a few minutes. Multiple text messages and 90 minutes later, I met him and Xin Quan at Marina Square for an hour of pool, tea at Secret Recipe and a screening of The Dark Knight in Stuart's home theatre. I cabbed westward to Joanna's place for her 19th party with some 04 folks, complete with Westlife karaoke.

The pattern of postings I've witnessed for my batch can be both assuring and disturbing. While many of those who deserve OCS have received it, there are some whom I see all the necessary qualities in but have not been given the opportunity. This applies mostly to those in my year, though there are others I know as well. I'm glad the sensation I spoke of 2 posts ago has begun to ebb, if only just; speaking to and about some of them today essentially let me experience the whole spectrum of what I knew I'd feel towards this, so come 23rd, all will be as it should, with special respect to my thoughts and feelings where all this is concerned.

More Recounting, Just Because

Wisdom teeth are a mystery to me; having had to get one leveled before going out today was new. Appointment come Tuesday to have it extracted. Tea after was at White Dog Cafe, VivoCity with Team C (Sam and Paul), followed by watching Paul Blart, Mall Cop (the Kevin James flick). I then met Gerald, Joash, Elliot, Mong, Cielo, Justin, Ted Kin, Nic and Lex at Marina Square for dinner at Carl's Jr, Bowling and Pool, in that order.

Roads that are Not Mine

Many things progress in ways that I do not expect or envision. But I have found that resolution comes not just from seeing things work out as you imagine. It is finding conclusion in new directions and outcomes that gives life its variety and enigmatic mystery. Honestly not out of any sense of entitlement or anything, I remember the sensation after not getting a place in Oxford after slaving away at apps, tests and interviews, which was repeated when I did not get a perfect score, after each point and grade I had worked endlessly at. A similar sensation hints at my person now, as one by one, my friends get their OCS postings.

All in a Thursday's Work

A dinner meeting with Jansen, Daniel and Lionel, initially intended for 530, began sometime around 7, meaning I barely had enough time to eat/talk at Carl's Jr, Plaza Singapura, before having to make my way to Al-Tazzag Egyptian Restaurant, Haji Lane for Mel and Justin's birthday dinner with the class, all plans of a movie/holland/elliot's place after not materialising. I'll just leave today's post as a recount; no need to reflect when meeting up was enjoyable in and of itself. More to come.

Blogging as Performance Art

1. I will be the first to admit that there are posts on this blog I find myself sheepish for having written. Yet I don't alter them for the simple fact that they capture how I felt exactly at that moment or experience.

2. I have had limitless opportunities to come into contact with an incredibly wide range of people. Once in a rare while an individual whom I speak to or find out more about makes me look back upon my own experience of life, usually in the context of the breadth and depth of things I've done, achieved, failed at, gained recognition for and shared with others. I've been triggered to look back at my posts at last year's end, and am appalled to realize I didn't write something to close the year. Unacceptable, though there is little reason for me to do one in the middle of March (heh, Middlemarch just popped into my head, forgive the pun). I put it down to my state of mind then, and that silence is as significant as any loud post I could have written.

3. There are some vocations in my current organization of employment that are viewed, rightly so, as more worth one's time than others. Officially, mine is not quite here nor there. In reality, I'm getting the best of all worlds, and if my one day back to work in and for a long time has shown, I now know that this is probably the best place to spend my obligatory hours, something I already envisioned in an earlier post.

4. I've yet to do some stuff, like pay a visit to SPH, collect my Dip from school and finish Brightsparks. My mind, however, is not fully on these things, and rightfully so. I've played my part in economic stimulus by buying albums (you know, those round things that, unlike the intangible iTunes variety, are physically present), arranging gatherings and indulging, for tonight at least, in the now-rare luxury of sitting in front of my computer screen with a million windows open without any worry of timing 'cos there's nothing pressing to wake up for, just like I took for granted in those non-working days.

5. I wrote this list out for Elliot 'cos he asked, and I might as well put it here. It's a Uni Apps list, and when this week is over and the deadlines close I'll post a Scholarship Apps list. Outcomes in parentheses.

UK (UCAS), 15 October 2008

Oxford PPE (Unsuccessful)

University College London English Literature (Unsuccessful)

King's College London English Literature (Unsuccessful)

University of Durham English Literature (Conditional)

LSE Politics & Philosophy (Pending, high hopes)

USA (Common Application), 31 December 2008

Harvard Politics (Pending, probably unsuccessful)

Yale Politics (Pending, probably unsuccessful)

New York University Stern Business School (Pending, high hopes)

SG (There are only 3 to choose from, so yeah) Jan - Mar 2009

NUS Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences (FASS) (Successful; Law?)

NTU Business (Pending)

SMU Double Degree in Law and Econs (Pending)

Of Similar Relation

I'm always excited to find someone who I can relate to because of similar interests and experiences, not in the specific, but broad sense. Singapore's population of 19 year olds is pretty large, and chancing upon those I can talk to for long periods of time is pretty cool.

I've finished 12 days, and here I shall break down my activities into a nebulous summary:

12 days = 288 hours

Hours spent living it up outside = 144

Hours spent in lessons = 9

Hours spent being assessed = 1

Hours spent having breaks = 134

Part of the time spent living it up was at dinner with Jian Boon, Wei Xuan, David, Chang Ming and Andrew at Sakura, Building-Next-To-Somerset-Station. No photos for obvious reasons, since I was rushing down from way up North. It was nice catching up after leaving Ladang all those weeks ago, and in all likelihood, with the exception of a final gathering with the rest of the platoon, it'll probably be the last time we feel this connected, as future postings and trainings spent with other groups of people for extended periods of time will forge a whole other set of friendships, an inevitability of life. That's why I find it so important to take the effort to meet up, which is something I'm incredibly thankful for in my classmates. I however didn't make it down to Mong's place for their gathering this evening due to the dinner and 'cos some people had left while others were only coming real late, and I've gotta be back in office early tomorrow; I'll make an extra effort to be at Thursday's tentatively proposed meeting.

Not Just Feel-Good?

Cell and service today were suceeded by a lunch gathering at a Yong Tau Fu joint in Siglap with Si Qi, May Anne, Zhao Ming, Lionel and Jansen. We and a multitude of others should be sending the latter off at the airport this Saturday. I envision it will be the first of many such farewells. I've attended my fair share in years past, and once mentioned that when it came to my year's turn, it would be far more regular as we spread across the world in pursuit of higher learning; with a heart full of hope I look toward my time to come.

Mel's Diana capture of that platform on which we stood gazing out at the morning landscape up on Baker's Hill in Palawan brings back memories:

And on that same note, I've been meaning to post this, what I believe to be my best blog post in all my years of thousands of posts, not surprisingly written after midnight on the day we returned from that trip -

Packaged and Projected

Instead of NUS and NTU Open Houses (a pity, many of my Ladang friends were there and I might have had the chance to say hi after a long while), I slept in till noon before brunch with Paul at Dan Ryan's Tanglin Place. We attended the STB Tea Session, which in my experience of Tea Sessions was the smallest, but also had some compelling presenters. Especially during the presentation on Beijing university, I found myself thinking many thoughts, none solely related to the Firefly Scholarship in question; they were more about how much I still have to be informed about before I eventually make a decision as to how I wish to live my academic and career life, in all it's meticulous detail. The day ended at the Esplanade, where I took in the Jazz Standards of Mosaic Music Festival.

Universities & Perspectives

I attended my first University exhibition when I was 14. Back then, we were all in the IP craze, applying to all the new and novel programmes that many seniors in years before us did not have the option of choosing. Many also left to study overseas for expedited Foundation Programmes followed by Uni degrees, in places like the US, but none more popular than Australia. I still have many friends there, and an Australian Uni fair was thus the first one I ever attended back in '04, where I briefly considered that option amidst all the offers being made. Since then, I have attended exhibitions at least once a year, in hotels, convention centres, schools, statutory boards, government offices and University campuses. I remember the NUS open house of 2008 being a rather festive event, where I met many people I knew who, in like-minded fashion, were considering their options a year in advance. There were balloons, loud music, goodie bags and talks. This year's Open Houses will probably be no different, and it is the part-festivity, part-academic and part-social nature of these events that draws me to them. Having given the SMU and London Uni ones a miss last weekend, this weekend's NTU and NUS ones beckon.

One more thing about Unis to round off my post - that about perspectives. Where I come from, people rarely talk about going to local Universities. When in the midst of UCAS during the prelims or Common App just before results were released, our Uni conversations were dominated by discussions of how difficult our Oxford interviews were, how tedious UPenn's Short Answer Question was, or how many RJ/HC/ACIB people we saw at the Harvard/Yale/Cambridge talk. To me, the challenge has always been which of the plethora of prestigious courses in which of the pantheon of these Universities should we apply to. Only recently has my focus been drawn to local University applications, free from the necessary assumptions we made during the international applications. Honest to goodness, meat and potatoes solid local Universities at our doorstep. What came as a little bit of a surprise to me was the different perspectives towards the courses these local institutions offered. For me, getting a place in NUS' Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences (FASS) seemed natural because of the courses I was applying to in Oxford/LSE/Durham/NYU etc. But, as I soon found out, the one question people, my parents included, seemed to ask straight out was why I didn't get a place in Law instead. And to tell the truth, I wasn't sure either. It has come to light that the 231-odd places offered in my batch are rather highly sought after, the second most challenging after NUS Med. So now, it's a matter of whether I wish to put myself in the running and get a Law interview, or simply sit tight with my Arts and Social Science offer which always seemed natural to me. Opinions welcome.

Resolution?

Tomorrow morning my friends graduate (I'm quite looking forward to the innumerable Facebook photo albums actually), and Ladang will, hopefully for the large majority of us, be little more than a memory. I mentioned that around this time and event I would reflect, finding my centre in all of this, what might have been, what I honestly want, what I am content with. I can't say everything, because it is sensitive, but that is not entirely why this won't be a long post; I find myself unable to articulate everything, because truthfully, I am in a paradox of sorts. Things are as they should be, and things could be completely different in ways I have and have not imagined, all dependent on what I did, do, and will do. I toyed with the idea of writing stuff I've penned down over the weeks, but that too has had its time and place; today I decide to leave that as it is, instead blogging directly from thought to word, without much distilling. I have a few more days of this course, and I think I'll have done well to gone through it in its entirety despite it being wholly unpleasant. I have been all at once focussed on everything to do with my academic future, and managed to steer my mind to experiencing more of the moment, finding ways to spend my time that are calming, enjoyable, memorable and developmental (?). I've never marginalized any perspective, subjective or objective, when making decisions, and I apply that to things I'm going through now, which at times occupy my thoughts a little too much. That I'm mentioning them indicates their significance, but that they are mentioned alongside others shows how I'm living differently, more varied, more of everything. Essentially to experience, because that is truly enough.

Asking Han An and Melodie out for dinner this evening was part of that; the day (or night rather) on which I decided to do it is important too. I was wanting to use my free evenings, and yes the past weeks have been well spent, but this was the variety of experience that I've been directing myself towards. We met at Paragon, for dinner at Din Tai Fung and dessert at DessertStory. To me, it's the effort to remain close, be it through remembering memories past or talking about the future in all it's unknown appeal. More of that will certainly be in the books (or blog posts to be precise).

Precipice That Is Not Mine

Today's care group meeting was held at Josh Tay's place, with the most number of people I've seen in attendance. Two things about the mix of people is on particular interest - the number of AC kids makes up about 50%, and the number of people in my year a similar proportion. Speaking of the people of 1990/2008 - I would think that the country would be hard pressed to find another batch as capable, if the recent newspaper reports are anything to go by. Yay us, seriously.

As my friends complete one phase and others begin another, I'm always found reflecting, seeing where I fit in amongst all this change. That's why I titled my first post with a title "Soul-Searching Amidst Constant Change". Thinking was one of the rare luxuries I was afforded during my six weeks in Ladang, and that habit has continued unabated, though now I supplement it with spending my time in other equally illuminating and progressive pursuits. The draw of simply whiling time away when not at work is strong, but as I've learnt in all my years, a useful skill is being able to extend the fixed hours in a day to accommodate both this and every other productive activity. I hope to add to my applications and other academic stuff (either during or after this course thingum + my leave) more nightly outings, personal development (revise driving after reading both books thoroughly during my 20 sentry hours) and work of some sort, perhaps tuition. Entirely hypothetical, but worth thinking about.

A Sucker For Nostalgia

Staying friends takes effort, and I'm glad we are happy to do it whenever we have the time to. That's why meeting up is something important in my book. This evening I met Gen Huong, Justin, Patrick, Nicholas, Darren, Mong and Elliot, first for dinner at The Ship Restaurant, Shaw Centre, then for drinks at Muddy Murphy's, Orchard Towers. Catching up, even if it means just talking about the army or education, is entirely enjoyable.

A Few Numbered Points

1. I remember Results Day like it was yesterday. I remember sitting with Gabriel to my right, Melodie to my left, Ted Kin behind me, and Wesley in front of me. I remember the feeling when the number '43' popped into my head after the statistics for HL English A1 and EE were shown, and so my actual grade came as no surprise. I remember the emotions after, the hugs and the lunch and the dinner, and then it was all swept away so fast with enlistment less than 48 hours after. So tomorrow, when the rest of my year who aren't IB kids get their results, I will sympathize with every ounce of emotion. All the best!

2. Have you seen my hair lately? Or rather, my lack of it? Well apparently not one of my current course trainers. She seems to find my hair length inappropriate. I mean, hello, this is BMT hair please. If anything, she's given me some positive encouragement that my coaxing of my hair to return to its usual volume is working.

3. My belated attempts at securing concert tickets have been to no avail. That's why I'm not watching Jason Mraz tonight and why I won't be attending Coldplay next next Monday. I could still go for Duffy, but I've gotta find someone who wants to as well. But with Mosaic and ArtsFest starting, I should have enough choice at my disposal. Before such sophistication, I begin with The Watchmen this evening, and I hope the movie fuels the rest of my reading of the graphic novel, which has been interrupted by the course and the need for me to intensely keep to my Economist regime for fear of losing intellect while attending this course.

The Individual and Collective

I had a chance to catch up with some of my friends in church today, which was nice. I'm not sure what it is but I rarely have these opportunities. I wish those who will be receiving their A Level results this Friday the very best. This extends to all my friends in my year who aren't IB kids; I have a feeling ya'll will do immensely well! Also, Adriel and went over to Sam's house to meet him and Josh. True, we never plan gatherings; they just happen. That's the fun of it, spontaneity.

Tomorrow I won't be in the office, and like with most things unknown, I also have a slight apprehension. 12 days of course probably won't be something I enjoy like ice-cream or anything, so all the more I'll be looking forward to each evening when I have time to do what I want, weekends when I can meet up with friends, and the course's end when I plan to have some time off to meet the rest of my batch mates on block leave.

So to 2 groups of people, who for all intents and purposes are one and the same, I send my warmest regards on this the first day of March, significant for it's resonance in the hearts and minds of every ACSian - the A Level batch of 2008 who find closure on March 6, and the enhanced BMT graduates of 1/09, whose POP falls on March 11. I'm not sure how I'll feel on that Wednesday, a collective experience that I made the individual decision to step aside from, so you can anticipate what my next post will be about.