Ready And Waiting

Tomorrow I will be removing the first of 4 wisdom teeth, and so I don't envision myself talking as much as I usually do. Hence I shall say all that I want to this evening on this blog. No but seriously. I realize that whenever I refrain from blogging, my next eventual and inevitable post will be rather lengthy. I guess this adds to the variety on my blog, long diatribes interspersed amongst short recounts and enigmatic shout-outs (for argument's sake here's one more - each attempt to speak to you is an attempt at figuring you out; you're as hard to get as these posts are). I've never written for an express audience; I'm always pleasantly surprised when someone tells me they've read one post or another. The most recent instance I recall was on one of the days on course when Han An called me in the middle of they telling me about the emotional impact of my J4/2 Letter, which he promptly highlighted to another of our schoolmates whom he works in proximity to.

I have now been able to identify and articulate what it is that keeps bringing my thoughts back to the same subject matter over the past week. The first was speaking to Andrew online, when I was heartened to learn that my sentiments are shared. The second has to do with the person I am - I always think of myself in relation to those around me, those of my ilk and those I know. These 22 months were meant to revolve around my life, not the other way around. To a large extent, it is because I'm not on the OCS route that it affords me the time and flexibility to do that. Yet, as I admitted to Daniel via text this evening, I cannot help but think of what it would have meant for me to go at it all the way. And though in my mind it will be the only thing I would ever think to be worth it (again, a perspective hugely impacted by those around me), you will never catch me expressing anything less than admiration for my friends in sispec, whom I congratulate with every bit of gusto as I did my oct peers. It was an unspoken intention, only recently expressed into words (by recent I mean after this whole NS thingum started). The conditions I have aren't a simple and final obstacle. Like everything else, I see them merely as another option, which I have chosen to exercise, and with little doubt (this from hindsight in the near future, not now exactly) for the best. I know that I was not in the best frame of mind going into it during the first batch for a few reasons, like having fallen sick, so soon after the release of results, etc. I think, right now, I'd be in a far more optimum position if I should so choose to put myself back into it with the second batch. Yet for numerous other reasons I do not think it's best. There would be things I'd do differently, but the situation, I realize, would not be the same. I experienced the best parts during my stay in Ladang largely to do with a very good coinciding of factors, from Coy to Mates to Superiors. Any other go at it will hence be compared to that experience (though knowing me, I'd discover it to be the best for that time in my life, as I do with everything; where I am now is a good example). And if I were to leave it up to the powers that be, the timing of my status change after the second intake means I would no longer want any other Enhanced batch thereafter, and thus forgoing that direction is all but a given, and where I am at now would become all the more lucid, not saying I haven't been seriously considering my options.

The short of it all is that, until a decision is made either by matter of active influence or chronology, I always think prospectively. And till then, from then and especially then, my perspective on my position remains ever organic, fluid because of the person of community I am and would not ever want to be anything but.